There’s something to be said for those in yoga class who can ‘move their body with their breath”. I struggle with yoga not only because of my extreme lack of flexibility and awkwardly long legs and feet, but because I can’t breathe.
Here lately, I am doing good to take in required breaths on autopilot… just to survive. To ask me to ‘focus on my breathing,’ in yoga class or otherwise, well, that’s just not happening.
When I’m at work, I focus on not failing. What do I need to do to make this work? To not fail? To pack my funnel full of leads? To grow share on existing accounts?
When I”m at home, I focus on making sure that bills are paid, gutters are cleaned, laundry gets done, dinner gets made and dogs are cared for. I focus on running a household.
When I’m driving, quite frankly, I focus on not ramming my car into approximately 5 cars a day – on purpose (picture Kathy Bates in “Fried Green Tomatoes” during her “tawanda!!!” moment in the parking lot.).
When I talk to my dad, I focus on not telling him how I really feel. Doesn’t he know that his lack of self-concern and self-worth devastate those around him…? and by those around him, I mean his only child – me. For years, I “didn’t like” my dad. Years ago (the years when I needed “dad” the most), he lived a ‘rock star’ life. Today, we sell his instruments to pay his bills. Until my dad went for the CT scan of his liver, he hadn’t been to a doctor in 24 years (no, that’s no exaggeration, no typo). He went for his CT scan, which was inconclusive and now, we wait. For what? I dunno. You’re better off asking a 4-year old what comes next.
My mom is another “former rock star” – only not really. See, mom lived like a ‘rock star’ only in a different sense. Though she has had Multiple Sclerosis for 29 years, she damaged her body for an entire decade, trying to keep up with what you would have thought to be the Kardashians of the 1990′s. Drugs? yep. Smoking? yep. Drinking? yep. My parents divorced when I was 8 – good thing because God only KNOWS what would have happened had they stayed together (picture the ending of the movie “2012″.).
Most ‘kids’ put themselves through college… I ‘put myself through’ high school. Mom would hang out with her ‘live-in boyfriend/common-law husband, “Roy” until 4am, downstairs underneath my bedroom smoking pot, snorting coke and jammin the hell out to REO Speedwagon. Dude, seriously? I know EVERY word to “Heard it From a Friend”, “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” and “I’m Gonna Keep On Lovin’ You”. I would eventually pass out every night in my room at 4AM – and rise at 6AM to go take tests, play basketball, run track, act in musicals and sing solos… just before reporting to work at Steak N’ Shake. Anything to NOT be home. Now, I’m tasked with moving her back to Georgia….. because she now lives in destitution, alone, in Vegas….. with no one but her dog, Maggie. She beat me in the face with a broomstick once, but dammit – she’s my mom. With her, I focus on not ‘hating’ her – because she is my mom.
My 85-year-old grandmother is my best friend. Watching my dad fall apart will be her demise. She has aged 20 years since Thanksgiving of 2011 because of my dad’s condition. I’m making it a HUGE priority to visit “Maw” every other week for the rest of her life now. While visiting with her, I focus on not breaking down into tears. My grandmother sits all alone in her house (cannot drive) 24/7. Dude – I get bored while actually DOING STUFF… I can’t imagine not doing anything or going anywhere!
I’m getting married on 10/13/12 – God willing…. Biggest undertaking ever right now… something I should enjoy and look forward to, rather I DREAD making phone calls… mostly because I already make 20-50 phone calls a day for my actual job these day, but mostly because the situation with both of my parents just completely wipes out my desire for most things… for now, I just focus on keeping my relationship with Aaron as healthy as it deserves to be, for my fiance is nothing shy of amazing.
It helps to get these thoughts down, even if this is the most negative blog post on the face of the earth…. If you read this entire post – my apologies… I know it is just sad, but again… it’s therapeutic. it’s my way of ‘breathing’, though it is not my primary ‘focus’. I really suck at Yoga, by the way.
